3 Ways To Be A Good Stay-At-Home Dad

We've all said it, we've all read it, many have written it, and we're likely all sick of the reality encircling this truth—2020 is unfolding far, far different than any of us ever expected it to. There is something I would have never expected this year, in fact, I would have never expected ever in my life... I have become a (working from home) stay-at-home dad. 

I vividly remember telling my wife how thankful I am for her, for her patience, and for her ever caring demeanour when our son, Wesley, was born in February 2019. I laughed stating, "I could never be a stay-at-home parent, I'd be driven insane! I don't know how you do it!" Little did I know I would be eating those words just over one year later, but for a far deeper reason than immediately obvious.

I would often tell my wife and many others that I respect stay-at-home parents—I mean, I'm the person who said I could never do it myself. However, the humbling reality is that I used to say this to buy respect and favour with my wife and others—but I never really meant it. I would secretly think, "their life must be so easy," and "I wish I could be at home every day, too!" Thoughts such as, "how could you not have the house cleaner?" and "why haven't you been more productive today?" would swirl through my mind as I arrived home after work or even in conversations with other friends and families in similar situations.

Of course, I wouldn't say these thoughts out loud, or at the very least, I might say some of these thoughts softly and only using carefully crafted wording—to not seem like a complete monster. I wonder if others can relate, even if only to help me seem less terrible about feeling this way?

Well, I think we all know what I am about to write next... I was wrong. I was dead wrong.

Early March hits and it becomes increasingly clear: life is about to change for a while. My wife went back to work in February after a year of maternity leave. Even in late February, we had no idea what was coming in only a few short weeks. For those of you who don't know me, I work with students in grades 6–12 at a church in Woodstock, Ontario. When the Ontario government began implementing new restrictions, the church staff began working from home. Of course, Wesley would stay home with me. Even if daycares didn't have to close, he'd be staying home with me because who doesn't want to save some money, right?

My wife, Krista, works at a bank, meaning her job is an essential service and BOOM! Suddenly, I'm a stay-at-home dad. Just like that! I'm not sure if I fully processed this reality in the first days or weeks but at a certain point, it hit me... I'm doing exactly what I thought I would never do!

Here we are now, ten weeks since my first day as a new (working from home) stay-at-home dad. I've learned so much since beginning this journey... about me, about Wesley, about how difficult parenting can be—but mostly about how incredible of an honour it is to be a dad and how thankful I am for my little buddy, Wesley.

Here are a few things I've learned (rather, that I'm learning) about being a new stay-at-home dad:

1. EMBRACE THE MESS.

Kids are messy. Really messy. The worst part is, they don't even care! Doesn't it bother you your face is covered in food? Doesn't the sticky goo from the Nutri Grain bar caked between your fingers annoy you? It doesn't! At least, it doesn't seem to...

I constantly want to clean, to wipe, to sanitize, to scrub—I could go on... However, I'm continually learning and reminding myself this is all part of the kid experience (especially for toddlers, I should add). Kids are messy and everything they do is messy—full heart, full force, all in, messy. Sloppy. Sticky. Grimy. Gross. But also innocent, joyful, educational, wonderful, and fun!

Sometimes you just have to embrace the mess. Wesley has recently become obsessed with using utensils while eating (he's not great at it yet) and everything inside of me wants to shout, "just let me do it! It will take less time and be much cleaner!" But I'm learning that this isn't the point. He needs to learn, he needs to practice, and its OK if he ends up with half the spoonful of yogurt on his face. I have to stop and say to myself again and again, "Justyn, take a deep breath and say it out loud, 'embrace the mess.'"

Of course, my point is not to get out of cleaning—I simply mean I'm learning patience. I'm learning to let go of some control and I'm embracing the learning and wonderment of childhood. I'll be able to clean soon enough, and my son's cute, smiling, yogurt-covered face can be wiped down in due time.

I'm not saying I don't wipe Wes down after meals, clean the highchair or mop spills—I'm simply saying I'm learning to calm down, take a breath, and embrace the fact that toddlers are messy and sloppy, but also remembering they are pure and learning. 

A little bonus lesson I've learned is cleaning helps me feel peaceful and gives a sense of normalcy. Obviously, no one has been visiting our home for a while and I may be tempted to remind myself of this fact as an excuse to not clean, but the habit is more important to me. Keep the house clean now and I'll thank past me in the future.

2. BALANCE EXPECTATIONS. 

I've had some amazing mentors tell me the importance of balance in my life. Balance seems easy when I think about it, but the truth is I've struggled to balance many aspects of my life. The same is true of my expectations while beginning this season. My expectations crashed rapidly.

I started out thinking I'd be as productive as I was in my office. I can care for Wesley, finish my work, clean, cook, be a good husband... No big deal, right? I'm not saying it isn't possible to achieve this, perhaps it is—but it's certainly is not automatic.

Caring for my child simply takes more work than I thought, and not only that, It's incredibly important. My child, my wife, and my family are more important than my work. I don't mean this as an excuse to slack, but as a filter to process my expectations while at home with my son. I'm going to work hard and I will get my work done, but the process looks different when I'm at home with my child.

Throughout this season there have been moments when I have become quite frustrated with myself, with Wesley, even with my Yorkie Winnie while trying to work. Another diaper change? More food? My attention? How dare you require these things!

What I'm learning is to balance my expectations this season. I probably can't be as productive as I have been in the past. I won't be the perfect parent. I won't always respond gracefully and lovingly in every situation as a parent and pastor, and while I strive to attain this, I can at the very least be a little easier on myself when I miss the mark.

Fun fact: when I started writing this, I thought I could do it in a single session. Yeah, I was wrong about that too! It took about four writing sessions. I'm OK with it though, and Wesley's interruptions are fun, adorable, and memorable with the right mindset!

3. CHERISH EVERY STEP. 

There's a statement I've said to many people since I first heard it, "the purpose is in the process." 

I distinctly remember being told by many excellent parents (including my own) to embrace each step while raising my child. Of course, I nodded and agreed, "that's great advice, I'll do that!" I'd say, unwisely underestimating the temptation to wish time away and dream of the future—while missing moments in the present. The reality is, this advice is still sinking in and I haven't taken it as sincerely as I should have—but I am getting better at it. I can't stress how important this is though... because time goes by fast. Time goes by so fast. 

I'm learning that the purpose, the goal, the reward isn't some distant future when we can do this, have that, be there, and go here. The purpose is in the process. I'm learning to enjoy the process, to cherish every step, every stumble, and every giggle. To enjoy the little moments and even the messes—the whining, and yes, even the tears. I'm learning that how I handle the process determines our future. I owe it to my son, my wife, my future kids, and to myself to learn to enjoy the moments in the process and to cherish every step on this journey.

Wesley will never be a day younger than he is today. Ever again. I'm striving to remember that each day and see the little moments as our adventure as a family and his adventure of growing up.

I'm not a perfect parent and I don't have it all figured out. I don't know if I ever will. While I am saddened by those who are sick and dying from this virus, and I'm saddened by many of the life changes that have come, I am also thankful for what I've gained in the face of loss. I've gained a perspective I would have never had before. I've gained memories, passion, joy, peace, patience, and love. But most of all...

I've gained time with my little boy. 

I've gained experience with my son that I may never be privileged to have with any future children. 

I'm going to do my best to continue to learn in this season and beyond, and do what I can to be the best dad, husband, and man I can be for my family and for my friends.

My primary goal in writing this is to get it off my chest, but I also hope this has been helpful and inspiring for anyone who has read it. Here's to the most incredible son I could have ever asked for—even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I will remember this. I love you, Wesley!